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Teenagers
Need Drugs!*
It doesn’t help that we’re both going
through hormonal changes, only in opposite directions. I try to be
sympathetic. The same courtesy would be very much appreciated but I
doubt it’s forthcoming in this lifetime. She truly believes
that she’s way more important in the design of the universe than I
am. I live with it but I assure you, I ain’t loving it. She is
dealing with a former princess turned queen of the damned. Who the
hell does she think she’s playing against in this war of female
aggression? Unfortunately, I think she’s gaining the upper hand by
force of sheer endurance.
The tension doesn’t subside and I never
know what to expect from this person who used to be my daughter. A
typical dialogue between us goes something like this:
Teenage daughter: “OH MY GOOOOOOOOD
MOM! Brittany (or pick any revoltingly popular name and insert it)
just broke up with Alex (or Jake, Jesse, Ryan … you get the picture)
and he’s SOOOOOOO upset. I think he was crying in the
boy's bathroom!”
Unsuspecting Mom: “Oh wow, that’s
really sad, honey. Why did Brittany break up with him? I thought she
was wild for his spiked hair …”
Teenage daughter-turned-witch: “Oh
please, Mom! Mind your own business and stay away from
my friends!” Uhhhh …
yeah. I’ll just shut the fuck up now. Go crawl into my corner and
pretend I’m nonexistent.
I swear, teenagers take drugs because
they need them. Pediatricians should pass out mandatory
prescriptions for Prozac or pot the day their patients sprout that first pubic hair. Teenagers would better cope with the insanity of
hormone hell and it would help parents deal considerably better with
their child suddenly turning into Chucky the demon doll. Parents could
dip into their kid’s stash every now and then, too. Everyone
would be happier. The age-old scenarios would dry up like
sun-dried tomatoes and so-called child experts would have to find
another means of selling books. Old people could venture from their
homes without wondering if the eggs those nasty kids down the block
threw on their doorsteps were dry enough so as not to slip and crack
the other hip; teachers could go to work without worrying about unruly
kids with spikes through their noses picking a fight
with them in the middle of social studies and the drug companies would
make a killing. We could all invest in pharmaceutical stock and get rich.
I’m beginning to like this idea more and more … Reality Mom © 2002 Need further
proof we're living with demons? Check this out:
*Disclaimer for dummies: This article and most every other article I write for Reality Parenting, is meant to be tongue in cheek, as in funny but please don't take it too seriously. I do not condone drug use among teenagers, children or adults. Can't believe I even have to write this but the legal people made me. You're really too stupid to be on this site if you take these things seriously anyway! |
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