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Reality
Parenting Articles
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Parental
Profanity - The
Osborns have made fuck a household word. Maybe just in homes
plagued by MTV but at least it’s out of the closet. Thank you Oz
and Sharon, not to mention their kids, who use the F word as often
and without punitive liability as the great Oz himself.
(Reality Mom)
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First-hand
Account of Second-hand Smoke -
When I discovered that I was pregnant with my first child, I was
not prepared. My life was still a party, albeit one that included
a fiancé. Stop smoking? Huh? You’re kidding, right?
I didn’t. I smoked until the nurse strapped me to the
delivery table. Yeah, I was screaming for a cigarette the whole
time ...
(Reality Mom)
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The
Un-Benefits of Being Female - I think the only thing
women can be grateful for is not having to get it up. Oh, and guys
feel like losers if they don’t make a lot of money. Oh boo hoo.
I really feel bad for you, guys! We feel bad over just about
everything else, so bite me. (Reality
Mom)
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Kids
Need Pets ... I Need a Freaking Break! - A few months
ago we rescued a wiener dog. An emotional cripple from birth, I
suspect … the Sally Fields of dogs. If we weren’t in
condo-bondage, we would have rescued a big ol’ dog, one that drops
turds the size of Indiana. Not that I’d have been thrilled to pick
that shit up on a daily basis. I just like big hairy beasts. Much the
same as I like my men … (Reality
Mom)
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Soccer
Mom Road Rage - Something evil happens when I have three
tons of steel wrapped around me. I feel invincible, like I could
take on the biggest, meanest NFLer and actually win. I suspect
this is how road rage began … some fool felt he (or she) was
more in charge of the common road than the other guy and proceeded
to kick some serious verbal ass behind the safe wheel. (Reality
Mom)
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Teenagers
Need Drugs! - I think (think … can’t
be absolutely sure, mind you) that my teenage daughter is the only
kid in her peer group who doesn’t do drugs. She probably should
be taking a daily dose of something to alter her moods for
the better. I fall just short of suggesting that smoking pot
isn’t the worst thing she could do. Considering all that dust
lurking under piles of teenage crap, smoking (anything) would be a
milder assault on her lungs than cleaning her room. (Reality
Mom)
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Mom
and the Rock Star - The rock star tells me he’s gonna play
me like his bass. This is truly amazing because he plays that damn
thing like no one else I’ve ever heard. He fills my head with
fantasies of kinky, awesome sex and possibly even a meaningful
relationship. He leads me on like no one has ever had the
imagination to do before. Do I stop to reason this through? Hell
no … I fly headfirst into insanity, much to the dismay of my
children and friends. (Reality
Mom)
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Oh
God ... I'm a Cheer Mom - My daughter just made the cheer squad
in her extremely athletically competitive high school.
Gotta give her credit … she’s the most UN-athletic
child who ever walked upright.
OK, so I applaud her gumption, fortitude, courage, drive,
will to succeed and any number of other self-esteem boosting
adjectives. I just
ain’t applauding my new life as a “cheer mom.”
Oh Christ … just shoot me now … (Reality
Mom)
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Stupid
Celebrity Baby Names -
Gweneth Paltrow and her rock star husband, Chris Martin just named
their new baby daughter "Apple." What the hell
kind of a stupid name is that? Don't they realize the
responsibility they have being celebrities? The name they choose
for their child will impact a generation of children with
unimaginative parents who will name their poor unsuspecting
daughters "Apple" just because "Gweneth" did.
Ugh. I am so sick of the name "Dakota" that has been
over-used since the Melanie and Donald (of the infamous Johnson)
named their child Dakota more than ten years ago.
(Reality
Mom)
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A
Few Words Before School Starts - It’s back to school time,
the time to sit down and have a talk with the kids about the
importance of an education, be they your kids, your sibling’s,
or the ones that live next door who spent most of the summer tied
up and gagged in your tool shed so you could have some peace and
quiet. In case you don’t feel comfortable having this
discussion, I'm here to do it for you. (Mad
Dog)
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Y
Johnny Kant Spel Gud - A boy from Colorado won the 75th annual
National Spelling Bee and walked away with $12,000. It’s nice to
know that there are kids who think good spelling is important,
after all, to the Hooked on Phonics Generation U2 isn’t just a
band, it's a reply to the compliment, “U r 1 hella kewl grrl!”
If u think this is 2 complicated 4 you, read this be4 you 4get. (Mad
Dog)
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Bosco
and Seawater Soup - Everybody has something which makes them
shudder. For some
it’s spiders, or nails on a chalkboard, or a letter from the
IRS. For me it is
those words echoed nightly on every planet throughout the known
universe: “Hey Mom, what’s for dinner?” (Beth
Goodtree)
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Clean
Up, the Fire Department Is Coming (or
Dishwashing Is Hazardous To My Ears)
- To say the word cleaning is not in my vocabulary is a
gross understatement. Its
breadth and scope go so much farther than that.
It goes back so many generations that I think there is a
messiness gene that is carried on the ‘x‘ chromosome. (Beth
Goodtree)
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The
Dingleberry Dilemma - Recently,
I volunteered to keep an eye on a friend’s teenager while she
was away for the weekend. This entailed stopping by
to bring over some food and making sure that no wild parties were
being thrown. Who knew I was about to get a lesson in
personal hygiene from a man who is younger than some of my
girdles? (Beth
Goodtree)
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Sock
Jobs and Sticky Sheets - When
my preteen son first took an interest in doing laundry, I
immediately began to wonder if he’d want an Easy Bake Oven next
and began to worry. And when I kept getting only single
socks in the laundry before going through the washer, I knew
something weird was up. (Beth
Goodtree)
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Crap-dar
- Crap-dar
in action: From 25 miles away and in the middle of the
championship soccer game of the year, your kids knew you were
gonna take a dump. Instantly they get teleported to the other side
of your bathroom door. On top of which, they heard you cut
loose such a big one it registered on the Richter scale. So much
for parental dignity. (Beth
Goodtree)
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